Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate

No Comments » Written on February 14th, 2012 by
Categories: Food
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Product:Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate
Purchased at: Saar’s Marketplace (Tacoma)
Price: $2.19

I can parade around and claim that pâté is some sort of sophisticated French meat product made animal fat and protein. Well, it technically is a cooked meat product made out of animal fat and protein and some forms of it are considered sophisticated. Well, most of the stuff that bears the label pâté in the states is relatively sophisticated. I’m not talking about deviled hams, or potted meats though they are extremely similar (same thing just different levels of quality). Here in the states you’ll find that most pates are seasoned with all sorts of herbs and spices and they make for a mighty fine cracker spread.

Pâté Doesn’t Sound so Bad. What’s the Deal with this Army Brand Stuff? 

I’m no stranger to potted, deviled, and processed meat. In fact I love most of them. I think deviled ham is the bees knees, Spam is a regular in my cabinet, and like I mentioned before, I like pâté. while cruising the Eastern European section of my local Saar’s Market I noticed a wide selection of pâté from former Warsaw Pact nations such as Poland, and Bulgaria. It was a pretty exciting moment for me, since I could try out an even wider selection of strange and exciting pulverized meat products, along with a variety of Nutella knockoffs.

Now I don’t have the time or finances to buy up every $2.00 can of pâté so I opted for the craziest, largest, and most awesomely named can of pâté. It’s a totally safe strategy, right?

Wrong. It tastes like, well, it tastes like someone took all of the best parts of the pig and threw them in the trash. This person then took the remainder of the pig, mechanically separated it from the rest of the carcass, allowed it to sit in a vat of fat for far too long. After the meat absorbed the essence of meat packing factory it was tinned (without any spices I might add) where it sat in a warehouse for 15 years before being shipped off for some dumb American to eat it because it has an awesome label.

For something with such a mild flavor it sure tastes like garbage, and the flavor just doesn’t go away. I had approximately one teaspoon of Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate and it took hours to get the flavor off of my tongue. I tried bacon. I tried beer. I tried bacon and beer at the same time. After the powerful flavors of the beer and bacon wore off that oily-fleshy-horrible flavor would bubble back into my mouth. Every time I exhaled the flavor was in my mouth. Festering away.

Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate has done more to damage my faith in meat products than all of the PETA, American Heart Association, and FDA labeling combined.

It would not surprise me in the slightest if this was of a vegetarian conspiracy to ruin meat products for adventurous meatatarians. My faith in the canned meat industry has been shaken to the very core.

It truly is one of the least appetizing food product’s I’ve consumed for Clearance Cuisine. I put it up there with  the toluene flavored Burger King Hot Fries, and Too Tarts Melted Ice Cream Spray lubricant.

Iron Man Popsicle

No Comments » Written on February 9th, 2012 by
Categories: Food
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Product: Iron Man Popsicle
Purchased at: Grocery Outlet (North Tacoma/6th Ave.)
Price: 3/$1 or 34 cents

One of my cherished moments as a child was the neighborhood ice cream truck. And not just the truck itself – the thrill of hearing a constant repeat of “Pop Goes the Weasel”, “Turkey in the Straw” or the classic Scott Joplin piece “The Entertainer” becoming louder and louder as the truck traveled closer to my neighborhood. Mind you, the music didn’t mean we would be going to be visited by the truck, since our neighborhood was a looped dead-end that saw the truck less often than we did a new year.

When we (my brother and I) could confirm the truck was actually headed towards us, we made the mad dash of emptying pig banks, scraping through the couch and grabbing those quarters out of conveniently placed spare change dishes.

Looking back, the selection was always generally underwhelming: maybe some Ninja Turtles with bubble gum eyes or a Mickey Mouse novelty molded to include ears. In fact, most of the treats were just popsicles instead of actual ice cream. But jack up the price of those suckers by 1000% and you’ve got scores of kids chasing after your vehicle. A $1 treat from the truck always tasted better that a Fudgesicle from Fred Meyer that your mom bought in a 48 pack.

Oh boy, fat free with natural* colors and flavors!

Liquid Sugar, High Fructose Corn Syrup and Corn Syrup.

Sadly, now I’m too old to go chasing after ice cream trucks and buying things made of pure sugar that aren’t Starbucks Frappacinos. However, I am not immune to bright colors and movie tie-ins (the children’s cereal aisle is a no-fly zone for me) so I couldn’t resisted buying IRON MAN’S FACE – in popsicle form.

Contrary to my usual modus operandi, I actually have seen Iron Man 2, instead of catching it when it appears on Saturday night basic cable. I can appreciate Robert Downey Jr.’s sarcastic character and Scarlett Johansson’s skintight leather, though I’m not sure the target audience of this product would.

I AM IRON MAN.

Iron Man’s big identity reveal in the film was a little more well-received that this unveiling. Poor frozen novelty Iron Man didn’t hold up too well after melting a bit in my grocery bag and refreezing in the meantime.

Iron Man’s face was a sickly syrupy sweet frozen mass of cherry and lemon. If you’ve ever had a “Firecracker” Popsicle, this pop was reminiscent of the first two cherry and lemon sections. All in all, a syrupy sweet artificial tasting frozen novelty that’ll make your heart race and possibly overload your Arc Reactor.

UPDATE – Last time I visited Grocery Outlet, the price of the remaining stock of these had been updated to 8/$1 or 12/$1, can’t remember which.

Yves Veggie Cuisine Shrimp Scampi

4 comments Written on January 30th, 2012 by
Categories: Food
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Product: Yves Veggie Cuisine Shrimp Scampi
Purchased at: Grocery Outlet (Lakewood)
Price: $1.99

I recently remembered an intense conversation I had with a friend that took place years ago at a local popular Chinese buffet (shout out to Super Buffet in Dupont) on the topic of shrimp. As we peeled the clear shells off of our chilled crustaceans, she mused how gross it was to see the shrimp’s visible intestinal tract (now you know) before popping it into her mouth. Now even though that tube is pretty much filled with algae, plankton and other harmless goo, she just had to take it a step farther, splitting open the shrimp’s back and rubbing the brown innards between her fingers.

Recently, I picked up a box of veggie shrimp scampi (seen before) partly prompted by my buffet experience but also because I wondered what in the world faux shrimp could be made out of.

Now I am not vegetarian, but I’ve dabbled with all sorts of meat substitutes, just for experimentation. Things like the good old veggie burger/Gardenburger, Boca Burgers, weird soy based “ribs” covered with a goopy sauce, Chik’n nuggets but also less processed choices like tofu, seitan and TVP. These veggie shrimp are composed not of soy or grains, but glucomannan (used in lots of weight-control related foods), potato starch and whey protein. Nom nom.

Obviously creating shrimp from starches is gonna bump the carbs up and knock the protein down (an impressive 1g per serving) but nevertheless, it’s a low calorie meal at 200 calories per box.

Click for large.

The box including the vacuum-sealed packet of “shrimp” (lovingly colored red with paprika extract) and a goopy packet of scampi sauce, made with garlic purée and canola oil. I’m glad they didn’t pre-mix them, because I can only take so much sauce with my meat-and-seafood free shrimp.

The contents.

Prep was pretty easy. The veggie shrimp is already pre-cooked so I took the liberty of using the fancy, non-bachelor route of actually putting the ingredients in a sauté pan as opposed to zapping it in the microwave.

This is another one of those products that I cannot find any official listing on the manufacturer’s site so I’ll go ahead and assume it’s discontinued, given the absence of information and the overabundance of these at my local Grocery Outlet recently (I saw the veggie tuna on sale last week for a measly 50 cents a box, so I might have to pick up one of those as well).

I cooked the shrimp until they were deemed “cooked” (lukewarm, in this case) and dosed them out on a plate. I did cook them with the included sauce, but only about a fourth of the packet, as to preserve the delicate glucomannan and potato starch flavor.

As far as the taste and texture goes, I was pleasantly surprised. The veggie shrimp successfully obtained a chewy, meaty texture without being too gummy or crumbly. They did have a slight fishy flavor, which I’m curious how this happened without using actual fish (anyone want to weigh in?).

I didn’t really care for the scampi sauce. Unlike the scampi I’m used to, it was mainly canola oil as opposed to butter which gave it a slick, greasy taste. Note that I didn’t eat the veggie shrimp with any sort of pasta or rice as suggested, but I imagine those would soak up a bit of the oil.

All in all, an interesting concept but looks like it didn’t catch on. I probably wouldn’t buy these again, mainly because I don’t feel real shrimp are that unhealthy (but I am a meat eater after all) and they’re definitely more filling due to the protein content. Worth a try though if you’re vegetarian and looking for something fishy.

Other Reviews for Yves Veggie Cuisine Shrimp Scampi:
Adventures in Fake Meat
Vegetablog

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