Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.
Obligatory sound effect to put you in the mood
TRIAL PART 33
MONDAY, JUNE 23
(Courtroom. Judge is presiding. Attorney is presenting.)
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I’m here today to present the case that this dried meat product violated my client’s right to choose her food blog review candidates and in fact, dared her to try it.
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*The following conversation may be fictionalized for dramatic effect*
Recently, my significant other asked me how he could get me to write again (coincidentally in the grocery store aisle). Sensing a bribe approaching, I replied:
“Darling, make me quit my 9-to-5 overtime-eligible job and I swear to you, I will write twenty new blog posts a day, on topics I have yet to determine at this time.”
“We can’t have that unfortunately, sweetheart. We’ve got bills to pay, a spoiled cat to feed and blogging just doesn’t put food on the table. Unless you count the food you review, that is.”
I grabbed an unsuspecting item from the dairy case, whipped my hair around in a fashion that L’Oreal (because I’m worth it) commercials would envy, and proclaimed, “This. This is the product that will rejuvenate my semi-humorous, grammatically incorrect food blogging career.”
And this, ladies and gentleman, is that product.
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Truth be told, writing reviews for beverages is always a challenge for me. Beverages can be easily divided into broad categories: alcoholic/non-alcoholic, fizzy/flat, sweet/neutral and of course, delicious/disgusting – which in turn provides little challenge for a review. At any given time, I generally have a collection of cans and bottles gathering dust on our shelves because they have nothing noticeable or extraordinary about them (I’ve since curbed my “buying-drinks-specifically-for-Clearance-Cuisine” habit). In fact, today’s product was purchased at least six months ago, but it’s still good. Still good.
When I buy a product for the site, I always try to pick things that err on the side of ridiculous, whether it’s a quirky ingredient, stupid slogan and/or mascot or a terrible Flash-based website that’s straight from the 90s. In this case, today’s feature drew me in because: the word “SEA” in the name (the sea is delicious, no?) and the concept of a non-caffeine based energy drink. After flipping the can around, I learned it also has ~organic seaweed extract~ which sealed the deal for me. Continue Reading »
I’m writing this post at 2am because nighttime is the right time to write blog posts. Not the mention the bars right below my apartment start closing and the bleary-eyed, yelling-prone tipsy patrons start filtering into the alley just thirty feet below my window. Nothing like the smell of cheap cigarette smoke and drunken yells to lull your from a blissful, dream-filled sleep.
But I digress; I’m not bitter. In fact, one of the only reality shows I actually enjoy started back up again last Friday: Shark Tank. I’ll spare you the details about the premise (it’s like Dragons’ Den, for you international readers) since Wikipedia does a good job explaining. It’s my little dose of ABC television-produced schadenfreude – because what reader wouldn’t get a guilty chuckle from an “inventor” that says they’ve invested their life savings in a pillow for woman with breast implants or a product lineup for “cougars” (no, not the animal). Or if you’re looking for amusement, look up a little game called “BulletBall”. Continue Reading »
What happened to you, Jackie Chan? You used to be uber-cool. I remember watching you in the poorly dubbed film: Rumble in the Bronx: on TV in the 1990s, and despite the over-dramatic annoying female voice acting, it was an overall enjoyable flick.
Nowadays kids grow up with “The Spy Next Door” and “The Jackie Chan Adventures” and miss out on glorious direct-from-Hong Kong action films with no plot or acting to speak of, but Jackie’s well-intentioned grin and kicks to the face. So maybe it was nostalgia, curiosity or just because it was pretty weird that made me try today’s product. Hell, Steven Seagal has his own “energy drink” so why can’t Jackie Chan? Continue Reading »