“He likes it! Hey Jackie!”
Product: Jackie Chan’s XtraGreen Tea Drink Mix
Purchased at: Found by Ben…somewhere
Price: FREE
What happened to you, Jackie Chan? You used to be uber-cool. I remember watching you in the poorly dubbed film: Rumble in the Bronx: on TV in the 1990s, and despite the over-dramatic annoying female voice acting, it was an overall enjoyable flick.
Nowadays kids grow up with “The Spy Next Door” and “The Jackie Chan Adventures” and miss out on glorious direct-from-Hong Kong action films with no plot or acting to speak of, but Jackie’s well-intentioned grin and kicks to the face. So maybe it was nostalgia, curiosity or just because it was pretty weird that made me try today’s product. Hell, Steven Seagal has his own “energy drink” so why can’t Jackie Chan?
The artificially sweetened lemon flavored iced tea powder comes packaged in the oh-so-convenient plastic tube-pouches that are oh-so-trendy these days for single serving diet tea drinks. The powder isn’t brown like Nestea or matcha green as one would expect green tea to be, but a grainy yellowish brown that plopped to the bottom of my handy blender bottle.
While I don’t normally like artificially sweetened green tea (I prefer it plain/hot or cold), I shook up the bottle with some Tacoma tap water and took a swig. Taking one for the team, right? (generally the motto of our website) The concoction was not undrinkable, but a cloying mixed of faux lemon, whatever additives are added for “energy” and that classic Splenda twang. The drink doesn’t have a terribly appealing color, which is probably why most energy drinks choose to come it a totally blacked out aluminum can.
Which celebrity should endorse an instant artificially sweetened iced tea mix? It’s not Jackie Chan.
Also, Jackie Chan, I see like so many aged, overweight women on social media sites, you’re also using an outdated profile pic that doesn’t accurately represent your current physical shape. However your Google+ stream brought a much needed smile to my face. Especially after drinking your green tea mix.
Come back next week when I’ve probably received a cease-and-desist letter from Jackie Chan’s agent!
Bonus: The product page for Jackie’s iced tea also features interpretations of the Chinese Zodiac symbols:
Eff you, rabbits.
“Possibly when you are using a whip and chair on them.”