Though I’m generally a chill person (which is pretty much a requirement for living in the Pacific Northwest), I usually just chalk it up to just plain apathy, laziness or a little bit of both. While I’m usually pretty disarming with my ‘no worries’ attitude, underneath is a constantly uptight and anxiety-ridden individual whose fingernails are always at risk of being nervously gnawed off.
Thankfully, the onslaught of energy drinks has now paved the way for pills, drinks, and even brownies (sorry folks, not those kind of brownies, remember this is Clearance Cuisine) that can help you unwind after getting jacked up on energy drinks all day or just relax from the troubles of living in a first-world nation. These products can use a variety of active ingredients whether it be melatonin, Valerian root, but this particular beverage uses Kava root powder to achieve its goal. Since I was pretty much ignorant about the history of this plant, I decided to take a gander at good ol’ Wikipedia to know what to expect on my magical mystery tour.
The sensations, in order of appearance, are slight tongue and lip numbing (the lips and skin surrounding may appear unusually pale); mildly talkative and sociable behavior; clear thinking; calmness; relaxed muscles; and a sense of well-being. Medical literature sometimes claims Kava has a ‘potential for addiction’ because ‘it produces mild euphoria and relaxation’. In a traditional setting, a moderately potent kava drink causes effects within 20–30 minutes that last for about two and a half hours, but can be felt for up to eight hours. Some report longer term effects up to two days after ingestion, including a feeling of mental clarity, patience, and an ease of acceptance. The effects of kava are most often compared to alcohol, or diazepam.
Wait – sociable behavior? Ease of acceptance? Holy shit, why wasn’t I downing this stuff in high school?
(If you’re wondering why the random dentist quip on the back of the bottle, apparently the creators of this beverage are a dentist and a hygienist. The more you know.)
Upon popping open the lid, a whiff of the stuff reminded me less of sangria and more of your childhood friend Dimetapp (which I suppose can also help you “relax” if you chugged a bottle of it). However, when combined with ice on a balmy Northwest summer evening, it tastes more like a watery grape Otter Pop with a hint artificial sweetener (aka sucralose/Splenda) and an unknown taste I can only describe as “earthy” (whether that’s due to the kava root powder of the length of time this was sitting in my pantry? Truly a mystery).
Unfortunately, if you’re jonesin’ to try this drink yourself, looks like you’re out of luck unless you can find a stash. According to BevNet, this drink has been discontinued to make way for Malava’s newest drink called Novocaine (get it?), which apparently can help take the edge off:
- “Peeing on the stick” (for those times when you don’t enjoy Malava while PMSing)
- “When the wife goes shopping”
At this point in the review and halfway through my beverage, I would say I could could care about writing any more but either the drink or my 5am wakeup time is taking its toll on me. Until next time – turn on, tune in, drop out, drink up.