Posts Tagged ‘Meat’

Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate

3 comments Written on February 14th, 2012 by
Categories: Food
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Product:Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate
Purchased at: Saar’s Marketplace (Tacoma)
Price: $2.19

I can parade around and claim that pâté is some sort of sophisticated French meat product made animal fat and protein. Well, it technically is a cooked meat product made out of animal fat and protein and some forms of it are considered sophisticated. Well, most of the stuff that bears the label pâté in the states is relatively sophisticated. I’m not talking about deviled hams, or potted meats though they are extremely similar (same thing just different levels of quality). Here in the states you’ll find that most pates are seasoned with all sorts of herbs and spices and they make for a mighty fine cracker spread.

Pâté Doesn’t Sound so Bad. What’s the Deal with this Army Brand Stuff? 

I’m no stranger to potted, deviled, and processed meat. In fact I love most of them. I think deviled ham is the bees knees, Spam is a regular in my cabinet, and like I mentioned before, I like pâté. while cruising the Eastern European section of my local Saar’s Market I noticed a wide selection of pâté from former Warsaw Pact nations such as Poland, and Bulgaria. It was a pretty exciting moment for me, since I could try out an even wider selection of strange and exciting pulverized meat products, along with a variety of Nutella knockoffs.

Now I don’t have the time or finances to buy up every $2.00 can of pâté so I opted for the craziest, largest, and most awesomely named can of pâté. It’s a totally safe strategy, right?

Wrong. It tastes like, well, it tastes like someone took all of the best parts of the pig and threw them in the trash. This person then took the remainder of the pig, mechanically separated it from the rest of the carcass, allowed it to sit in a vat of fat for far too long. After the meat absorbed the essence of meat packing factory it was tinned (without any spices I might add) where it sat in a warehouse for 15 years before being shipped off for some dumb American to eat it because it has an awesome label.

For something with such a mild flavor it sure tastes like garbage, and the flavor just doesn’t go away. I had approximately one teaspoon of Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate and it took hours to get the flavor off of my tongue. I tried bacon. I tried beer. I tried bacon and beer at the same time. After the powerful flavors of the beer and bacon wore off that oily-fleshy-horrible flavor would bubble back into my mouth. Every time I exhaled the flavor was in my mouth. Festering away.

Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate has done more to damage my faith in meat products than all of the PETA, American Heart Association, and FDA labeling combined.

It would not surprise me in the slightest if this was of a vegetarian conspiracy to ruin meat products for adventurous meatatarians. My faith in the canned meat industry has been shaken to the very core.

It truly is one of the least appetizing food product’s I’ve consumed for Clearance Cuisine. I put it up there with  the toluene flavored Burger King Hot Fries, and Too Tarts Melted Ice Cream Spray lubricant.

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Stouffer’s Corner Bistro Stuffed Melt and Soup

No Comments » Written on November 7th, 2011 by
Categories: Food
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Product: Stouffers Stuffed Melts and Soups (CORNER BISTRO® Steak and Swiss Stuffed Melt with Broccoli Cheddar soup)
Purchased at: McChord AFB Commissary
Price: free (prize from STOUFFER’S® Match ‘Em Up Game Facebook contest)

Now as someone who runs a site called “Clearance Cuisine”, one would assume that I’m probably extreme couponer, but I’m actually a sucker for in-store and online contests. This also saves me from scissor-induced Carpal Tunnel Syndrome and aggravating grocery store cashiers on a daily basis. Not wanting to pass up a chance at winning something, I ended up playing an instant win game on the Stouffer’s Facebook page back in February, and hey, I happened to win a free frozen meal (well, a coupon for one that arrived a couple of months later).

Marisa,

We’re happy to let you know that you’re a winner in the STOUFFER’S Stuffed Melt and Soup Match ‘Em Up promotion! You’ve won a coupon good for a free stuffed melt and soup combo, which has an approximate retail value of $3.69. Congratulations! There’s nothing you need to do except look for your prize within 8-10 weeks.

After getting the coupon in the mail, I picked up the meal on a shopping trip with my dad to the local military commissary (hooray for dependent benefits) in March and it’s been aging nicely in the freezer since.

The front of the box proclaims “Bakery Fresh Taste IN MINUTES” (5 and 3/4 to be exact), but that’s a tough claim to back up for a frozen meal. The sad fact of the matter is that I live within 3 blocks of both a bakery that makes tasty goods AND a soup shop that makes an infinite amount (literally) of delicious, fresh soups. However, I must do my duty as a food writer/experimenter and try this concoction. Good thing the best before date is March 2012!

The instructions call for peeling off the top cardboard part of the box, microwaving only the plastic-covered soup first for 90 seconds, then popping in the “stuffed melt” with the requisite crisping sleeve with the soup for the remaining 3 minutes and 15 seconds (in my case, I just did three minutes out of laziness and the high probability the extra fifteen seconds wouldn’t make or break the meal). The inside of the box also had a special code, most likely I had the winning box for three lifetimes worth of Stouffer’s meals.

As many of the popular reviews I also spotted for this product (The Impulsive Buy, Freezer Burns, Brand Eating) also mentioned, the “stuffed melt” is less of an artisan meat and cheese bistro treat (“Herb-Topped Focaccia Bread Filled with Beef Steak, Onions and Mushrooms in a Swiss Cheese Sauce”) and more of a small, pretentious Hot Pocket. The filling was almost the exact same filling as a Philly Steak and Cheese Hot Pocket, but just a little tougher. The cheese sauce even spurted out while microwaving in traditional Hot Pocket style.

If I haven’t had read the box, I would have never guessed there were mushrooms also in the melt. Everything stuffed in there had the same texture. The watery cheese “sauce” had gooey cheese chunks as well. It’s also pretty small for a sandwich that’s half of a 400 calorie meal (see the photo with my little hands/diameter of the plastic soup bowl for reference).

The soup was just as disappointing – a viscous, orange solution with some bits of broccoli (most of it being the stalk, the least tasty part). I nibbled on some of the broccoli, trying to justify it as “eating healthy”, though most of it went back in the freezer to harden it up into an ice puck to toss in the trash later.

As a meal, you’d be more satisfied to whip up your own Hot Pocket (Lean Pocket for the ladies) or Campbell’s and pairing them together. You’ll probably save some calories too. At around $2.50-$3.99, you can do it for much cheaper as well.

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Hormel SPAM in a Japanese Can

2 comments Written on July 4th, 2011 by
Categories: Food
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Purchased from: Grocery Outlet (North Tacoma/6th Ave.)
Price: 75 cents

There is nothing quite as American as good old Shoulder Pork and hAM, or as some might call it SPiced hAM. This Fourth of July you should be enjoying something All American instead of fireworks (Chinese), beer (German), and hamburgers (German). I mean we fought two wars against the Germans, and the Chinese totally supplied our enemies during the Korean and Vietnam wars. Better yet, enjoy a shipment of good old American SPAM redirected from Japan to America to support our Independence day celebration!

Being an a True American who loves all things American I had to sample this can of patriotic SPAM redirected from Japan. It’s only the patriotic thing to do! Being a product intended for Japan I had some misgivings about what  be contained inside the curiously un-American sized can. Perhaps Hormel reformulated the American icon into some sort of tiny and efficient Japanese meat monster with potted meat tentacles with beef jerky antenna.

Instead I was greeted with a half-sized lump of SPAM. No need for swift American justice from the barrel of my forty-five.

SPAMEDAAAAAAAAAAAAA

I prepared the Un-American sized hunk of SPAM on a 100% American cast iron pan, lightly browning the slices it like I would any standard hunk of American spam. Not miss out on the whole Japanese experience I cut the slices into strips, pan fried some snow peas with white onions, and steamed up some white rice. The smell of the peas, onions, and SPAM cooking was just fantastic. If I had the presence of mind I’d have fried up an egg to make the perfect breakfast.

The Japanese SPAM tasted less salty than conventional SPAM although this may have been entirely in my head since there’s no variation that I know of between conventionally packaged SPAM and Japanese SPAM. Other than the salt-level the SPAM was just like how I remembered my mom would prepare SPAM when I was a kid. Good uniform texture, and it paired quite nicely with straight up white rice. No soy sauce required.

All and all it was a pretty normal dish for me, and any SPAM lover would be right at home chowing down on Japanese labeled SPAM. I honestly like the smaller amount of SPAM in the can since Marisa is in the Anti-SPAM camp, which means I have less left overs to deal with (not that leftover SPAM is a bad thing). I would highly recommend that any SPAM lover check out Japanese SPAM if they have it available to them even if it is just for the novelty of eating SPAM from a Japanese labeled can.

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