Product:Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate
Purchased at: Saar’s Marketplace (Tacoma)
I can parade around and claim that pâté is some sort of sophisticated French meat product made animal fat and protein. Well, it technically is a cooked meat product made out of animal fat and protein and some forms of it are considered sophisticated. Well, most of the stuff that bears the label pâté in the states is relatively sophisticated. I’m not talking about deviled hams, or potted meats though they are extremely similar (same thing just different levels of quality). Here in the states you’ll find that most pates are seasoned with all sorts of herbs and spices and they make for a mighty fine cracker spread.
Pâté Doesn’t Sound so Bad. What’s the Deal with this Army Brand Stuff?
I’m no stranger to potted, deviled, and processed meat. In fact I love most of them. I think deviled ham is the bees knees, Spam is a regular in my cabinet, and like I mentioned before, I like pâté. while cruising the Eastern European section of my local Saar’s Market I noticed a wide selection of pâté from former Warsaw Pact nations such as Poland, and Bulgaria. It was a pretty exciting moment for me, since I could try out an even wider selection of strange and exciting pulverized meat products, along with a variety of Nutella knockoffs.
Wrong. It tastes like, well, it tastes like someone took all of the best parts of the pig and threw them in the trash. This person then took the remainder of the pig, mechanically separated it from the rest of the carcass, allowed it to sit in a vat of fat for far too long. After the meat absorbed the essence of meat packing factory it was tinned (without any spices I might add) where it sat in a warehouse for 15 years before being shipped off for some dumb American to eat it because it has an awesome label.
For something with such a mild flavor it sure tastes like garbage, and the flavor just doesn’t go away. I had approximately one teaspoon of Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate and it took hours to get the flavor off of my tongue. I tried bacon. I tried beer. I tried bacon and beer at the same time. After the powerful flavors of the beer and bacon wore off that oily-fleshy-horrible flavor would bubble back into my mouth. Every time I exhaled the flavor was in my mouth. Festering away.
Army Brand Sergeant’s Pork Pate has done more to damage my faith in meat products than all of the PETA, American Heart Association, and FDA labeling combined.
It would not surprise me in the slightest if this was of a vegetarian conspiracy to ruin meat products for adventurous meatatarians. My faith in the canned meat industry has been shaken to the very core.
It truly is one of the least appetizing food product’s I’ve consumed for Clearance Cuisine. I put it up there with the toluene flavored Burger King Hot Fries, and Too Tarts Melted Ice Cream Spray lubricant.