Posts Tagged ‘Valley Liquidation’

Snap-N-Glow Pops

Comments Off on Snap-N-Glow Pops Written on April 5th, 2012 by
Categories: Food
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Meh, I ingest enough chemicals as it is.

Ah, novelty sweets – not so much about the candy but the plastic/colorized/motorized container it’s in. From the ever illustrious Ring Pop to the classic Batman spin pop (because what’s more intimidating that the Dark Knight with a giant pink lollipop whirling around above his head), you’re essentially paying for the packaging over the pop. Hence, I had no qualms over dropped 50 cents on a set of suckers that are literally supported by a plastic tube filled with glowing chemicals. Read the rest of this entry »

Mallow Pizza & Hamburger & French Fries

Comments Off on Mallow Pizza & Hamburger & French Fries Written on August 5th, 2011 by
Categories: Food
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Every so often a product comes along that I know that I will hate, though I still have to take a bite of the thing, spit it out and wax eloquently about my thoughts and feelings regarding what I just experienced.

This is one of those times.

First of all, I honestly really don’t know why a product like this exists. Did some individual say, “Hey, I want to enjoy the convenience of fast food with none of the actual original flavor but instead a mass of sugary, fruity gelatinous marshmallow?” because that’s the only reason I could legitimately see. Nope, it looks like this it just one of the candies that exists solely as a quirky novelty. Read the rest of this entry »

Bologna Bubble Gum

Comments Off on Bologna Bubble Gum Written on July 25th, 2011 by
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The precise ingredients of processed meat products has always been one of those delightful little mysteries of life, just like “Who used up all of the toilet paper?” and “Where’d all my money go?”. It’s more of an inconvenience than a serious inquiry, because if you looked into it, the results would be disappointing, depressing and most likely disgusting. Despite my love of Slim Jims, Chicken McNuggets and other questionable meat products (my estimated life expectancy: 42), I’ve never been much of a fan of bologna though.

In this case, my bologna (or buh-LOG-na, if you so desire) doesn’t have a first name because it’s made by “Ford Gum and Machine Company, Inc.” in Akron, New York, though actually produced in the People’s Republic of China. Even though it’s made up of “sugar, gum base, corn syrup, talcum powder, corn starch, artificial flavor, glycerin, citric acid, soy lecithin, malic acid, artificial colors (including red 40) and BHT” they decided to cleverly steal imitate Oscar Mayer’s classic packaging, perhaps in the hopes that someone would see an unrefrigerated package of meat on a shelf and eagerly pick it up. Read the rest of this entry »

Arizona Jack’s Super Giga Bite Beef Jerky

Comments Off on Arizona Jack’s Super Giga Bite Beef Jerky Written on July 1st, 2011 by
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In 1968’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, man’s ape-like predecessors come across a giant, dark monolith which jump-starts the evolutionary process and paves the way for incredible technological advances. When I stumbled upon today’s giant, dark rectangular  product, while I didn’t experience any radical improvements myself, I did start hollering a bit and immediately plunked down the $2 to purchase the next evolutionary stage in dried meat products.

Ladies and gentleman, I give you…
(cue Also Sprach Zarathustra) Read the rest of this entry »

Rebel Rocks

Comments Off on Rebel Rocks Written on May 3rd, 2011 by
Categories: Food
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I was never much of a rebel in my teenage years, unless you count being extremely awkward, blasting Beatles music and driving a Ford Taurus while mindfully obeying the speed limit as rebellious. I’ve had to force myself to settle for eating candy made by THE MAN and culture conforming candy corporations. I have no idea why these candy rocks may be rebellious, other than that fact that they use not one but two forms of sugar and lots of delicious food dyes to achieve their semiprecious stone look. You can have your “fair trade-organic-90% cacao” whatever, I’m gonna be hardcore and eat straight up sugar and coloring to get my candy fix. Read the rest of this entry »