Mallow Pizza & Hamburger & French Fries

Comments Off on Mallow Pizza & Hamburger & French Fries Written on August 5th, 2011 by
Categories: Food
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Every so often a product comes along that I know that I will hate, though I still have to take a bite of the thing, spit it out and wax eloquently about my thoughts and feelings regarding what I just experienced.

This is one of those times.

First of all, I honestly really don’t know why a product like this exists. Did some individual say, “Hey, I want to enjoy the convenience of fast food with none of the actual original flavor but instead a mass of sugary, fruity gelatinous marshmallow?” because that’s the only reason I could legitimately see. Nope, it looks like this it just one of the candies that exists solely as a quirky novelty.

Needless to say, if someone thought these up as a healthy alternative to an actual burger, pack of fries or slice of pizza, then they’re sorely mistaken. I’ve listed the actual stats below for the mallow products and their real counterparts:

A real piece of pizza is probably healthier.

Caloric Content of McDonald’s Hamburger:
250 calories (6g sugar)
Caloric Content of Mallow Burger:
412 calories (59g sugar)

Caloric Content of small McDonald’s Fries:
230 calories (0g sugar)
Caloric Content of Mallow Fries (minus strawberry goo ketchup):
206 calories (35g sugar)

Caloric Content of Pepperoni Pizza Hut Pizza Slice (12″ medium pan pizza):
250 calories (2g sugar)
Caloric Content of Mallow Pizza:
264 calories (50g sugar)

“’s low sodium! It’s cholesterol free! It’s FAT FREE!” As I do with all of my posts, I did a little researching beforehand and found some prior thoughts of about the mallow burger, fries and pizza (the comments for the burger review are amusing). As it turns out, marshmallows are generally fat free anyway (for example, marshmallow Peeps are fat free but I wouldn’t consider them healthy in the least, thought I have been known to binge on them). As a commenter pointed out on one of the reviews, it’s just a poor attempt at trying to market these as healthy. I could even market beef as gluten-free and no one would be any the wiser.

The disappointment with the products even starts before eating them. Despite their small size, when I took each of them out of their plastic packaging, a foul fruity (“strawberry”, as these are supposed to be flavored) smell filled the kitchen. This was no easy feat, since at the same time we were also cooking tuna burgers and a Kid Cuisine TV dinner (spoilers for upcoming reviews).

As it turns out, we couldn’t even finish the darn things and threw them out after the first bite. The burger and fries were tough, gummy and the fruity flavor didn’t make up for this, in fact, was pretty awful tasting as well. If anything, the sour strawberry “ketchup” goo was the only thing remotely edible. The “pepperoni” were hard sugary disks that cracked upon biting into the pizza.

I’d link you to Amazon so you could check these out for yourself, but I’d feel too much guilt leading you to buy such gross tasting things (they’re currently out of stock anyway).

Please just stay away from these. Buy them for someone you hate. Friends don’t let friends eat mallow fast food products.

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