Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.
Obligatory sound effect to put you in the mood
TRIAL PART 33
MONDAY, JUNE 23
(Courtroom. Judge is presiding. Attorney is presenting.)
Attorney:
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I’m here today to present the case that this dried meat product violated my client’s right to choose her food blog review candidates and in fact, dared her to try it.
(Gasps emerge from the courtroom audience. An older woman clutches her pearls in an unintentionally comedic moment.)
Bailiff:
The court calls Marisa from ClearanceCuisine.com to the stand.
Attorney:
Ma’am, please state your name and any other important details for this trial.
Marisa:
My name is Marisa and I have no idea why you’re doing this. Must be all Law & Order on Netflix I’ve binged through this year.
Attorney:
Ma’am, stick to the facts please. This is a court of law, not an opinions column. Moving on, where were you the afternoon of Sunday, June 16th, 2013?
Marisa:
I was at the grocery store, picking up more test subje…err, food items to review for the upcoming weeks. Junk food tends to stay good for months, you know? In regards to the product, with its menacing colored flames and CAUTION warning, I thought it would actually pack some heat. Later I would find out it was lies. ALL LIES!
(The plaintiff breaks down in anguished sobs at this point.)
Attorney:
Okay, no need to get upset. What did you discover about the product when you returned home?
Marisa:
It’s one of the most disappointing beef jerkies (is that the proper word?) I’ve ever tasted. The “Kinda Hot” notice on the front was a sham. Why dare your customers to try your product when you admit it’s not that spicy to begin with. Calling this jerky “kinda hot” is like calling mom jeans “kinda sexy”. It’s terribly misleading. Other than that the flavor was quite lacking. At that point, I was considering snapping into a Slim Jim, but reading those ingredients and one of their marketing slogans (“Made from stuff guys need“) turned me off even more.
Attorney:Were you aware that this brand also offers a Jalapeno (aka “Freakin’ Hot”) and a Habanero (aka “Really Freakin’ Hot”) flavor?
Marisa:
Yes, I am aware of that, Mr. Attorney. However, there are two problems with that argument. First, shopping at discounted grocery stores leads one to purchase only what’s in stock and this is all I was able to get. Secondly, “Really Freakin’ Hot” sounds like a phrase a teenage boy would use to describe his friend’s 40-something soccer mom.
Attorney:
No further questions.
Judge:
Where is the defendant in this case? This heinous beef jerky that you keep describing?
Attorney:
Well your honor, at this point I hope you realize that is product/individual we’ve been discussing in an inanimate food item in a plastic bag. It cannot speak, move or even think and is therefore is unable to testify on its behalf.
Judge:
Fine. The jury will now convene to discuss their verdict.
(Jury exits then re-enters the room ten seconds later, a courtroom world record.)
Judge:
Has the jury reached a verdict?
Jury Foreman:
Yes we have, your honor. Ahem.
We the jury, find the “Dare” beef jerky guilty of making outrageous claims of its spiciness and going to deplorable lengths of daring certain people to taste it. However, we also find the plaintiff Marisa guilty of wasting of our time and bringing this stupid case to trial. Stick to Judge Judy next time, sweetheart.
(Court dismissed. Fade to black. Executive Producer Dick Wolf.)
