Although inspired in part by a true incident, the following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event.
Obligatory sound effect to put you in the mood
TRIAL PART 33
MONDAY, JUNE 23
(Courtroom. Judge is presiding. Attorney is presenting.)
Attorney:
Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I’m here today to present the case that this dried meat product violated my client’s right to choose her food blog review candidates and in fact, dared her to try it.
In 1968’s 2001: A Space Odyssey, man’s ape-like predecessors come across a giant, dark monolith which jump-starts the evolutionary process and paves the way for incredible technological advances. When I stumbled upon today’s giant, dark rectangular product, while I didn’t experience any radical improvements myself, I did start hollering a bit and immediately plunked down the $2 to purchase the next evolutionary stage in dried meat products.
Ladies and gentleman, I give you…
(cue Also Sprach Zarathustra) Read the rest of this entry »
Brand choices for preserved and processed meat sticks around here seem to be somewhat limited. Off the top of my head, I can think of local Seattle favorite Oh Boy! Oberto, Slim Jim, Jack Links and maybe some gas station varieties you’d never admit to eating while coherent or sober. It gets even more crazy when you bring in a product like cheese, which in my mind is a food that is always meant to be refrigerated. And people, this here isn’t just a regular beef stick. This is steak, it’s like a freakin’ vacuum-packed filet mignon for fifty cents.
Oh Boy! Oberto’s newest campaign uses the slogan “Eat Like An Alpha” but if your diet consists primarily of MSG meat sticks, you probably won’t be leading the pack (maybe in your World of Warcraft raid). This coming from a person who’s probably eaten a metric ton of beef jerky and spent collective days in front of a computer with glazed over eyes and my trusty headset microphone. Read the rest of this entry »
Lots of products come in tubes nowadays: yogurt, candy, the Internet. But I had never seen beef jerky in a tube until I came across this product. In addition to coming in a tube, it also comes with a carabiner attached. I can’t deny the awesomeness of a dried meat product that is sold under the pre-conceived notion that you will clip it to your belt loop and take it with you skateboarding and other EXTREME (sorry, XTREME) activities.
Golden Valley Natural Xtreme (yes, with an X) Shredded Jerky (or “Shreds”) is pretty RADICAL for coming in a tube so you can eat it on the go. You don’t even have to touch it! I’ve seen shredded jerky sold before, but it’s usually packaged like snus in a plastic container.
Since the jerky inside is concealed by the label, I didn’t really now what to expect when I unwrapped it and popped the lid off. It actually kind of reminds me of brown, puffy insulation. In fact, the jerky seems to be much less “shredded” than it is “powdered”. You could technically snort it and get an XTREME beef jerky high (not suggested). Read the rest of this entry »
Musings about food from January 2011 – June 2013
Click “Past Reviews” at top to see an alphabetical list.
Eight Reasons You Shouldn’t Rely on Me for Food Reviews
I always hesitate to call this a food review blog. I believe the taste, enjoyment and pleasure of pretty much all foods is quite subjective. Until someone (Webster’s dictionary or otherwise) develops a word for the antithesis of a foodie, epicure, bon vivant or gastronome, I generally place myself into a category of people who can eat, enjoy or tolerate pretty much anything (I’d say human garbage disposal, but that doesn’t look professional on a business card).
My approach is simple. Find discounted food/drink and just write about it – whether a food is foreign, vegan, meant for children, etc. I could care less if a candy has high fructose corn syrup, agave nectar, Splenda or otherwise, but if it has amusing packaging or an insane marketing campaign, you bet I’m gonna write about it. This blog has one mission: finding cheap food, make the most of my 99 cents and having a fun time doing it.